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Feeling lonely in a crowded room

Hi guys!

I'm sure, at some point in our lives, we've all felt a little lonely.

Being lonely doesn't necessarily mean you are alone. (Mad isn't it?). You could be standing in a room full of people and still feel like the loneliest person in the world. I have dealt with this feeling for as long as I can remember. It comes creeping up on me when I least expect it, and it's not easy to shake off.

Sometimes we feel like the world is closing in on us, and that everything around us is non existent.. and other times we are the ones who are non existent.. as the world continues to turn. I would feel lonely almost every day as a child. I always felt as though I was truly alone in this world! Don't misunderstand me, I had friends and I had people who DID care about me, but sometimes It's just not enough. It's hard to explain to people who have never felt this way, or not on a regular basis like others do. To walk into a room and either feel like all eyes are on you.. or you feel invisible, as if nobody has noticed. 

I often sat in class, and felt so lonely I could cry. I could even be out with a group of friends having a great time.. and then it hits you like a storm that's been brewing. It drains your energy and life from your soul, and takes you into deep thoughts and make you feel like you are outside your own body. It hits without a warning, making you feel like you are completely alone. 

There are times in life when I wondered if I would ever feel like a somebody. I often wondered if I would ever feel like I would never be alone ever again. The truth is? it has never really left me. I am able to control my feelings a lot more than I ever have, but loneliness does come back to visit sometimes. I could wake up in the morning, and sadness takes over. I begin to feel a wave of sadness and a familiar feeling of anxiety will hit me. I think people seem to think that if you seem happy in your life, then you have no reason to feel negative emotions. Alas, we are human after all! 

I seem to have found some things that help me cope better with my situations, and sudden bursts of loneliness or sadness! I know I've mentioned it before in recent posts, but my biggest help.. is music. Music saved my life when I was a child, and it still has the same emotional affect on me now. I am somebody who listens attentively to every single lyric of a song, and the lyrics I can relate to speak directly to my heart. 

I know I always say it, but I'll say it over and over if it means I'm helping somebody through this little thing we call life! We are all stronger than we think. I've been dealt some of the worst cards in life, I'm not the only one, and I'm most certainly not the last! I am also not the one who has had to deal with the worst, but we all handle certain situations differently. Although controlling my thoughts and feelings is a lot easier than it was when I was younger, its most definitely still there. 

I think its important to find something that allows us to relax and deal with our feelings and emotions.. and try not to let it control our lives. (I know.. I know.. easier said than done that's for sure!). It's important to have somewhere we can go to collect our thoughts, and to feel the ground beneath our feet.. it's easier not to fall when you know the ground is not so far away. 

Loneliness is a killer. That's a fact. When I feel alone, I feel like nobody cares, that my life is shit, that I have absolutely no purpose.. that I'm failing at everything. The truth is, when I snap out of it.. I'm NOT alone, people DO care, my life ISNT shit, and I most certainly DO have a purpose. So I think we can all learn a lesson here. Don't let your thoughts take over for so long that we lose sight of what we really feel. Our brains are very good at putting us into a state of mind that makes us FEEL like we are alone. 

We all need a hand to hold sometimes, a warm hug, a phone call.. just to remind us that people really do care! That's a given. I am one of those people that need to be reminded that people will stick around. I'm needy and I'm clingy.. and I would do anything for anybody. Sadly though, that's not always the best thing to do! I am somebody who wants to know that I'm not going to be left behind. I know its not easy, its not easy being me neither! ;) 

We are not human if we don't feel the negatives just as much as we feel the positives. What matters the most is how we deal with it, and how we learn from the mistakes and the scenarios thrown at us. In life we all go through stages where giving up seems like the best option. I've been in a very dark, lonely place growing up.. and I know how hard it is. But, I am sat here now typing this, from my heart, helping others who are feeling the same. How cool is that? 

So don't give up. Don't let your inner demons dictate what you do and how you feel. You are in control of your life. You are not alone. Life is a bitch sometimes! But you can't let it push you over without standing your ground. Stand tall, take a deep breath, straighten your crowns and walk the life you've been chosen to walk with your head held high. Life isn't always rainbows and unicorns, but its worth fighting for. You never know what you can achieve! Reach out to people and trust that one day, your words will be heard. You are powerful, you are loved, you are strong.

I hope this helps ;)

Rosie xxx

Ireland

Hi guys,

I wanted to write a post on Ireland! One of my favourite places in the world.

I had never been to Ireland before I met my boyfriend, Alastair. My first trip there was amazing! It was exactly as I had always imagined. GREEN! The beautiful countryside, amazing coast lines, and picturesque landscapes! I fell in love! 🍀

There really is something about Ireland, as a whole, that has completely and utterly captivated my heart! 💗 I feel right at home, and fully relaxed and content. In my opinion, the Irish are very friendly, warm and welcoming people! The food is just as amazing, especially if you find a secret tucked away pub in the Wicklow Mountains that serve the most delicious Irish stew! 

So far I've only been to Dublin and Belfast and the out skirts of both. I stayed in the Wicklow mountains, where I saw the most fantastic waterfalls, mountains, and lakes! The silence on top of the mountains, and the fresh air.. along with the most striking views.. it's hard not to fall in love! 

If you ever get the chance to visit Ireland, I strongly recommend it! My boyfriend has irish roots so it's nice to be able to travel there regularly! My cousin also lives in Newtownards, which is a lovely area in the country! 

I'm heading out to Dublin in a few weeks! I seriously cannot get enough of it! I'm hoping to cover more of Ireland in the future! I would love to visit Galway, Wexford, Killarney, and many more! :)

I should really start writing down the exact places I've been to and the sights! Watch this space ;)

Do you guys have any ideas or any suggestions for my next Ireland trip??

Thanks

Rosie xxx

My thoughts about having children

Hi guys!

I wanted to write a post about having children. Now, I know this post may seem strange to some people.. but I'm writing my exact thoughts.

When I was younger, I thought I had my whole life planned out. Marriage, babies, house etc.. How wrong was I?! I was adamant I would be married by the age of 21, my first baby at the age of 18, a house at 25! I am now 28 years old and have not yet achieved any of those things! But that's ok, honestly.. It's not the end of the world.

I've always considered myself somebody who has a way with children (In a good way!). I have always felt like I have some sort of connection with them.. and I seem to attract them. I work in an airport, and many parents travel alone. When they need help they'll ask me to hold the baby which of course I gladly accept!

But, with all of this being said.. I'm not entirely sure I want children of my own. In fact, for now, I am sure I don't want children of my own. I know I'm not the only woman in the world to have said those words, but sometimes other peoples reactions tell me otherwise! If there are any women reading this, who don't want children, just know that It's YOUR choice, and it's ok that you've made that choice. I always get people asking the same questions. "when are YOU having a baby then?", "your turn next!", "you will be a great mum one day!". When I tell people I don't actually want them.. I get the same responses! To be frank, they get on my nerves. "Oh you'll change your mind!", "Don't say that, of course you do!", "You DO want children!". The truth is, we all want different things in life. Some people have children, some don't. Some people get married, some don't. We are all given choices in life, and this choice is one of mine. Now I do have to say, that yes.. I wouldn't sit here and say NEVER. But my decision at this moment in time.. and for the next few years is a no.

 In todays world, there is so much pressure to do what everyone else is doing, to fit in. There are lots of girls I went to school with who have children, and that's brilliant! But that doesn't mean we all have to follow suit.

I would like to say something that I feel, from my heart.. and something I truly believe. I believe that if I ever became a mum, I would succeed. Having a hard life means I know what I could do differently if I was ever given the chance. I know what kind of life I would want for my children, and sadly that is what scares me.

Being a parent is by far the hardest job in the world! (I'm sure the parents are all nodding away!). It takes a lot of courage to bring another human being into the world, and to give all of your undivided attention 24/7. I think that's what I'm scared of. I have so many expectations of what I would have to be as a parent. When I was younger, I had dreams of being the best mum in the world. I would love my child unconditionally, and give them everything I always wanted... and needed. I always knew I would change the cycle that occurred in my family.. I would be the one who gave my child what nobody in our family ever had. That is why I don't have children. I feel like I'm not able to give those things! I know its negative, but I don't know what I would do if I ever failed them. I realise this is what every parent goes through.. but with me its the reason I don't have them. I don't have a lot of self confidence, something I have written a post about. Self-confidence stops me from seeing what is probably great potential.

I know that one day, I want to foster children. I want to help children who are less fortunate than those born into a family full of love. When I was younger I actually wanted to go into foster care. I used to hang around with a friend who was in foster care, and her foster parents were the nicest people I've ever met! (I am still in contact with them, and they are my inspiration). I was always there, helping with the babies and the other children.. I loved it! Another question I am always asked.. is "what does your boyfriend think of this?!", "is your boyfriend ok with this?!", "does he not want children?". My boyfriend is everything to me, and his decision is so important. How lucky am I to have a boyfriend who stands by my decision.. and also thinks in the same way as me. The answer to those questions, is that he is open to anything. My boyfriend is ok with the decision to foster, although its something he would like to think more about, and pursue further down the line.

I love my life. To say that, brings a massive lump in my throat, because it's all I've ever wanted. I may not have children, I'm not married, I'm still renting. But I am happy. I have an amazing boyfriend, amazing friends, amazing family (A small number of family) and I'm happy with where I am. I may not have the job that I enjoy, but I'm earning money and saving towards the future I've always wanted for myself. I want to travel, I want to live. I know that I don't have space in my life right now for children.. I want to make sure that I achieve everything I want in life before I think about becoming a Mum.

I wish that people would understand the thoughts I have, and so many others who think like me. I'm content with my decision, and I wish others wouldn't be so pushy.. and talk to me like they know me at all. I know its hard to understand that I want to foster but not have children of my own? But to be honest? I'm the one who made this decision, not them. I know I'm doing what I feel is right in my heart, and that's all that matters.

Don't be afraid to be YOU. Don't be afraid to want the things you want, to make the choices you make. We don't have rules to follow in this life, nor do we have guidelines or deadlines to meet. We are all unique and special in our own ways. Life isn't about doing what everybody else is doing just for the sake of it, it's about living the life you have chosen to live. So if your decision is not to become a parent? embrace it. It's completely ok to not have those things! Don't ever feel under pressure to become something you're not ready for. If I ever have children one day.. I am so ready for the "I told you so" comments. We don't have to feel like we've made the wrong decision. So hold your head high with your decision, and if you change your mind.. that's ok too :)

What are your thoughts?

Rosie xx

Self confidence

Hey guys!

Thought I would write a post about self-confidence, something I lack to be honest! But after practicing the law of attraction I am getting better :)

I've always been well aware of my flaws.. and its very difficult to see past it for so many of us! It's such a shame that we don't see ourselves how others see us. I'm constantly worrying about my weight, my skin, my hair, my face.. but slowly I am starting to accept that this is who I am. 

When I was younger I developed acne. Now I know I'm not alone in saying that acne can make you feel so rubbish about yourself, and most certainly put a downer on most everyday things. Going to the shops for example? This is something I had to build up courage for, because I assumed everybody would be staring at me, laughing at me.. and so on. It's a very unrealistic scenario, but I'm sure we've all been there! Although I don't have the spots anymore, I am left with the scars. They bother me sometimes.. but I have definitely learned to accept my skin. 

Nowadays, filters are something that a lot of us use! I most certainly use them! To the extent that I'm ashamed to say, I rely on them. Ok, maybe I don't rely on them as such, but I definitely feel better sharing a picture of myself with no flaws! (See above..)

I have never been a girl to wear make up.. (Mascara sometimes.. If I can be bothered!) and I guess it's a good sign that I am comfortable enough to go out without it. I know some people aren't comfortable with that at all.

I am lucky enough to have a loving, caring boyfriend. Who tells me almost every day how pretty I am, or how beautiful I am! It most certainly helps! My friends also give nice comments which really do help as well :)

The law of attraction says, that you must feel pretty. You have to tell yourself everyday.. I have amazing hair, I am gorgeous, I am beautiful, I love my body. Each night before you sleep.. just repeat those words, or similar words... it helps ;) When you walk around and you start to feel uncomfortable in yourself with regards to your appearance. Tell yourself, I am beautiful, I am confident, I love my body.

Sometimes it takes a while to accept how we look. For some of us it takes weeks, months, years even.. but if you practice learning to love yourself.. it gets easier. 

Below I've decided to post my favourite picture of myself. I never like any of my pictures, but I do feel like I sort of like this one! Funnily enough, I have NO filters on it! (Yay! go me!) 

So girls/guys.. if you have no self-confidence.. or you feel insecure.. it's ok to feel that way! But.. and a big BUT..  you can change your ways of thinking.. and you can learn to overcome your fears and doubts. Try and take a few minutes out of your day to be thankful for what you have. Appreciate your body the way it is. We are all unique and beautiful in our own little ways! ;)

Thankssss

Let me know if you guys feel the same!

Rosie xxx

School life! (Teachers please read!)

Hi Guys! :)

So I wanted to write a post about what school life was like for me as a child. I know I mentioned it briefly in my other post, so I just wanted to elaborate ;)

***I'm warning you! this post may be long.. but stick with it, it makes sense***

So to start I wanted to talk about struggles. I struggled with many things at school. My home life wasn't very nice.. and prevented me from giving all my attention. I got into trouble on a regular basis.. for forgetting books, failing to hand in homework, not buying equipment, turning up late.. the list goes on. Now, I know that you're thinking.. typical naughty child.. right?? Far from it. I know that all the teachers were thinking the same thing! (I have since been in contact with my teachers, and my fears were confirmed.. yet something surprised me!... we'll get to that later on!)
I wasn't trying to be naughty.. and I genuinely wanted to learn! My parents didn't have any money.. so buying equipment just wasn't an option. I did get SOME help from the school.. but knowing I needed every single book, school trip, uniform.. and so on, I simply gave up asking the school for help. It was easier for me to act up and pretend I wasn't interested.. than to ask my poor mum constantly for money she so desperately wanted to give.. but couldn't.
I was never able to hand in any of my work.. because I never had time to actually do it. I know that sounds like a lazy excuse, but I wish that was all it was. I found that some of my teachers didn't support me in this at all.. I tried to tell my stories but they were classed as another excuse. Some of my teachers I think had caught on.. and I'll never forget how much they helped me.

I will always remember one school trip that I missed out on.. and it hit hard when I wasn't able to go. History was always the worst subject for me (Along with maths). My teacher was sick of me not paying attention.. and not completing my work at home.. that she sent me out almost every lesson.. even if I had nothing to do with the situation. I knew she was angry with me and told me almost every day that I wouldn't go anywhere in life if I didn't take school seriously. Little did she know deep down I was hurting so much. Of course I wanted to learn! Of course I wanted to do my work.. I just couldn't. Anyway, I remember a trip in history to Germany.. something to do with visiting all the trenches and everything. World war 1 and 2 always interested me.. and a trip there with a bunch of my friends would have been amazing. My heart sank because I knew I couldn't ask my mum.. and I knew that the school could only provide a small percentage of the trip allowance. So.. I never asked.. I threw the letter away.. and I never mentioned it. All my friends were talking about it.. and how they were sharing a room. I heard the same comments constantly "Rosie go!", "Rosie can I share a room with you??", "Ask your mum again!". I cant describe the pain. But it hurt.

As a child I was extremely stubborn.. and always aware of the difference between wrong and right. I knew that I had to stand up for myself.. and others id I was needed. There were several occasions when I first started and I was bullied for having too many spots, for not having new clothes, and for sticking up for those more timid than me. It made me stronger.. perhaps too feisty for my own good. I got into a few scraps at school.. and made me stand my ground. I joined a bullying group at school and became a senator. A senator was somebody who went to regular meetings about bullying and put forward any ideas on how to stop it. I was also a counsellor.. and it helped me get through my own struggles. I felt proud to be able to stand there putting on a brave face and helping others.

School for me was my retreat.. and somewhere I could actually be myself and not have to worry about what waited for me at home. Sometimes the teachers made it so difficult.

Here's a message to any teachers out there who don't understand.. I hope this changes the way you think

TEACHERS

The kid that plays up in class.. might not be a naughty child. Just completely misunderstood. Don't shout at them, punish them, call them naughty, lazy.. or tell them that they will go nowhere in life. I had dreams of becoming so many things.. but its amazing how one comment from a teacher can crush you at such a young age. 

Try to understand WHY and try and HELP them succeed like everybody else! 

Not every child who turns up late is careless. I turned up late most days.. but I had been up all night with no sleep.. so turning up on time was almost impossible. Being up all night with an abusive "dad" and having to go into school and receive lectures and punishment for turning late on top of that is so hard. 

ASK them why.. and support them. Something  I needed so desperately. 

The kid who falls asleep in class and doesn't engage with other students. Don't scold them.. find the reason behind it! 

There will be students who can't afford to buy the equipment.. or go on school trips. Don't tell them to constantly ask their parents, don't tell them they need to be more organised, more responsible. Its not as easy as that! Find out what you can do to help them achieve. don't knock them whilst they're down.

Parent's evening. Don't constantly tell the parents how bad your student is, how disruptive they are, how they are always late. Don't tell the parents how your child never has equipment, how they never attend school trips. Don't ask the parents if they have received any of the letters they have give to the student. THINK about the consequences for the student. I always dreaded parents evening. Yes, I might come across naughty.. but I was trying to protect my mother. Now my mum is asking why I never told her about school trips.. and I know my mum was so upset. I never wanted her to feel responsible for me missing out.. she had enough troubles of her own. The teachers at school spoke to her like she didn't care.. and like I didn't care. It's not easy for a parent and a child going through so much.. to hear that you're basically failing as a parent too. (which she wasn't by the way). 

So my message to the teachers.. is basically this. Don't treat your students with disrespect when you think you know why they act the way they do. Look deeper in why it might be happening and please, please help them :( 

I know this is a sad post. But its SO important to get this message across!!

Would love to hear your views :) 

Thanksss

Rosie xx

Value of Life

Hey guys!

I thought I would write about something that I hold close to my heart! The value of life. We all take things in life for granted.. but I learnt from a young age how we cant take things for granted and should always appreciate what we have! 

One of the things I have always appreciated.. and never taken for granted, is MONEY. I have very early memories of how I looked at money. One of my earliest memories is in a school playground.. I must have been around 5 or 6 years old. At that age we used to make a wish on something we referred to as "fairies". They, of course, were not fairies.. but dandelions or something floating in the wind! Very cute thinking back on it I must say! Anyway.. I remember catching fairies.. and whilst other 5 or 6 year olds would most definitely dreaming for a big house, or to become a footballer, or to have all the money in the world. I wasn't dreaming or wanting for any of those things. My wish: 'Please give me enough. Enough to pay my bills.. and to get me through'  It's sad.. but also admirable.. that I was able to wish for such sensible things at such a young age! At the same time it's sad that I wasn't able to be a child and just wish for silly materialistic things!

It's nice to know that I've always asked for just enough. Now I ask for more after practicing the Law of Attraction (I'll explain why in another post!) I knew that money wasn't easy to come by. My mum worked full time but didn't earn much.. and my dad is just another story! School was difficult because it regularly involved money.. and I knew I couldn't really ask.

School was another one of the things I valued.. but most definitely struggled with! I was always aware that asking for money would upset my mum. From a young age I avoided asking.. and sadly.. therefore went without!

Every day we hear stories... and it makes us realise just how valuable our time here on earth is! I know I've been through a life of hell.. and it made me strong as a person. I will always be thankful for my life. I will always be thankful for the times I sat there and carried on because I realised it was all worth it.

Life isn't about waiting for things to happen. Its about MAKING things happen. We are all guilty of blaming the world.. guilty of saying "is this really worth it?". Counting your blessings rather than dwelling on your losses gets you further in life! Think about it. For example, those of you reading this blog. Can you see this blog with your own eyes? yes. Be thankful for your sight. Small changes in our way of thinking can help us realise how lucky we actually are. 

I am not ashamed to say that I did not have a good start in life.. and I did want to end my life several times as a child. I am a stronger person now.. and I am so thankful to be here and be happy and healthy. I'm glad I was able to see how valuable my life is. I have been given the opportunity to LIVE. The reality is.. not everybody is lucky enough to have that.

I am lucky enough to have been able to travel and experience some beautiful and amazing landscapes. I truly believe that travelling frees our minds, allows us to stop over thinking, and relax ourselves. When I travel I'm able to sit and just appreciate silence and nature.

It's been a while since I've written anything down! I will explain more about my travels in future posts :)  

Thanks for reading! Please let me know if you can relate :)