Friday, 11 January 2019

Living with Endometriosis

Hi guys,

So I wanted to write a post about Endometriosis. It's a medical condition that I suffer with, and I know that it's extremely difficult to get diagnosed with it.. so I hope that by posting some of the symptoms.. and sharing my experiences.. it can help somebody get to the bottom of an otherwise unsolved mystery!

So, first of all. What is Endometriosis? Well, its a condition where tissue from the lining of the womb, grows outside of the womb.. in places like the ovaries and Fallopian tubes.. it can also be found on other organs as well. It is a chronic condition that causes severe pain and discomfort, heavy periods, fatigue, bowel and bladder problems, and unfortunately, infertility.

Now, I want to share my own experiences.. and I am going to go into detail.. so if it's not something you want to know or read, then I suggest you stop here ;)

I have always suffered with heavy periods. I've also suffered with most of the other symptoms that come along with periods such as, headaches, back pain, nausea, leg pain, fatigue, stomach cramps, depression, mood swings, spots.. you name it.. I've had it! My periods will typically last for 7 days.. and there is not a single month where I am spared any of these symptoms. Sometimes, I'm so heavy that I have to go to the toilet every hour.. or even every 30 minutes!

I have tried several contraception options.. however, I am yet to find one that agrees with my body! I have tried 6 different pills, the coil, and as of about 3 weeks ago... the Depo injection. I am useless at remembering to take tablets.. so the pill isn't really an option for me.. not to mention how sick it made me feel. I also tried the coil. Those of you who have never had the coil.. I don't recommend! Especially those of you who think you may have Endometriosis.. or do have it. I was in the most horrendous pain.. I would be leaning over and moaning.. after each contraction... yes.. contraction! Every time we have our periods.. our uterus will contract.. however. My contractions were made much worse because of the coil. I had the coil for 6 months when they finally agreed to remove it. Can I also point out.. I found it extremely painful having it inserted and removed as well.

It took several doctors appointments.. and several hospital appointments to finally be diagnosed with Endometriosis. The sad truth, is that they don't take the symptoms seriously, and many women are left to suffer without answers or solutions. I suffered for several years, without knowing what was wrong. I knew it wasn't normal to be in the pain that I was in. I would google 'severe cramps during period', 'extremely heavy periods', 'pain when urinating'. I have excruciating pain when I have my period.. to the point where it brings me to tears, I've missed days of work, cancelled plans, curled in a ball and held onto my knees crying. I do have pain when I don't have my period as well. The pain is usually where my ovaries are.. and will sometimes move over into my back.. or on the top of my womb. It's not easy to determine exactly where the pain is all the time. There is nothing in particular that triggers the pain..  it's very sudden.

In 2017 I made a trip to the doctors to demand answers, and to demand that my symptoms get treated seriously and not pushed aside anymore. It worked, because I was sent for an ultrasound. I had my ultrasound and that's when the lady told me that she couldn't find my left ovary! It's not uncommon for nurses not to see your ovaries. Our bladder can block the view. This was alarming as I was told the same thing a few years before.. so that was something I was going to follow up with the doctor. I went back to the doctor and he ruled out any medical issues but referred me to a gynaecologist, because I asked him to! (We shouldn't have to ask for these things!). The gynaecologist was amazing, he looked further into the problem and came to one conclusion. He was SURE I had Endometriosis, so sent me for a Laparoscopy to confirm. I had my Laparoscopy operation in May 2018 and Endometriosis was confirmed. Those of you who don't know, laparoscopy is usually the last resort for a doctor to look for Endometriosis. There are complications that come with the procedure. I was aware of these, but I knew I had to find out. The procedure involves an incision, usually two incisions made around your belly button and usually around the area where your ovaries are. A camera is inserted to look for the tissue, and if anything is found they will enter the tools to burn off those tissue cells. It's not a permanent fix, but there is no cure for the condition as of yet.

My laparoscopy however, did not go to plan. Although the procedure itself was pretty straight forward, the healing was not so straight forward. I was in unbearable pain the moment I reached home, but that's normal after surgery! If you do have the laparoscopy, be prepared for the shoulder pain that you will experience for a few days after the surgery! The shoulder/chest pain is caused by the gas that gets pumped into your body.I was unable to walk, sit, lay, stand! so that's pretty much all of my options exhausted lol. The pain seemed to ease over the next few days.. But I was aware that I couldn't stand up straight.. and that the pain was slowly coming back. After about 6 days after my surgery I was unable to move. The pain I was experiencing was worse than it was the day I came home. I think I knew in myself that something wasn't right. I was again, unable to lay down.. when I did lay I was unable to get up again. I remember having to drag myself to the toilet in tears because it was that painful. I booked a trip to the doctors and my doctor asked me to lay down on the bed. With extreme difficulty, which should would have been pretty evident to him. He began to press down HARD.. in my stomach area and my belly button area. Of course I cried and let out a screech every time he did it.. I had to even ask him to be gentle. I know he's a doctor but bloody hell! He sent me away and told me that it's completely normal to feel sore after surgery. 2 days later I couldn't bare the pain any longer and I was already taking days off work! So I went back to the doctors and demanded to see another doctor. I saw a female doctor and I was sat in tears telling that I know my body and I know something wasn't right. I also told her that I didn't want her pressing as hard as she could as I knew I couldn't take much more pain. She had a feel around and told me that she wasn't happy with what she was seeing and told me that I may have internal bleeding.. or worse.. sepsis! She sent me straight to A&E and when I was there I was seen by several doctors and nurses. I was told that I had an infection from the surgery.. and that I needed to be on anti-biotics. I was told that internal bleeding would have been most unlikely.. as would sepsis have been! Madness.

I would love to say that since having the laparoscopy, my pains have decreased.. however.. because the tissue they found was so small.. they were unable to remove them all. They run the risk of damaging other organs, so they are very careful with how much they do. My pains are still just as bad.. and my periods are also just as bad! However, I was told that the depo injection will help to ease the pain and to make my periods lighter.. or even stop altogether! I had the injection 3 weeks ago.. and currently have my first period since. I am on day 6.. and I'm probably the heaviest I have ever been.. go figure! I had read a few reviews and information online, and it seems that you have to bite the bullet and stick with it, as it takes 6-12 months to sort itself out. I hope it sorts itself out soon! I can't do this for much longer.

My advice would be, to pressure the doctors if you don't have answers. Make sure you get all the referrals that you need. Extremely heavy and painful periods are NOT considered normal. It's normal to have mild cramps and heavy periods.. but if you experience excruciating pains then you really should get checked. The doctors will try and put you off a laparoscopy. Yes they are painful and uncomfortable.. but at least it will give you a proper diagnosis. 

It's not easy.. but I'm strong. If you suffer too.. stay strong :) Always think positive!

Rosie xxx

Wednesday, 9 January 2019

I wanted to die

Hi guys!

I've been thinking about writing this blog post for a long time.. and when I say a long time.. I mean YEARS!

I've decided to go ahead with it.. why? Because I know that, with my experiences.. I CAN help somebody. Whether that somebody is going through the same thoughts, or if you know somebody and you want to reach out to them but you're not sure how.

It's raw, it's real.. it's part of what made me who I am today. So here goes nothing I suppose?

I remember when I was younger.. I often thought about ending my life. I would be sat wondering about all the different ways I could do it. I was scared.. So every time I thought of a plan.. I was too scared to carry it out. The thoughts began from a very young age.. I don't remember the exact age.. but I know I wouldn't have been much older than 10 years old.

Things at home, and at school were difficult.. and it got the better of me most days. I remember being sat in my bedroom when I was alone and lighting several candles. I set out the candles in a circle and I sat inside them. I remember crying so hard.. and begging whoever was up there.. whatever being, or supernatural person was watching down on me.. to remove me from this world and let me die. I begged them to take all my pain away.. and to let me be free of the prison that was my life.. but no such "luck".

I know that the thoughts carried on for several years.. well past my teens.. and eventually in my mid 20's, I was back in the same position.

I'm not ashamed. I'm not about to shy away from the decisions I made.. and the thoughts that entered my mind. I believe that talking about them.. and keeping them on the surface.. and accepting that it happened, and it taught me lessons, is SO important.

I remember, at school.. I got into the habit of carving my skin with sharp needles.. or anything sharp. Sadly, it seemed I had started a trend.. and everybody was doing it! At the same time, it felt good,, not to be doing it alone. (How silly of me! It is NOT the answer) I also remember starving myself.. and purposely punishing myself for still being here. I know I developed an eating disorder.. but I never admitted it. I know I can admit it now! My mum would make comments about me never eating and I was always so defensive.

I was always told that I wasn't wanted... or my "dad" would tell me that he wishes I was never born. He would call me names almost daily, pick on me for every little thing. He would belittle me, humiliate me, and bully me. My "dad" would never remember my birthday, my age, my job.. nothing. I remember one day it was my birthday... and I was going out for drinks with my best friend. I came downstairs in a dress and my "dad" instantly told me how I was leaving myself open for guys to do whatever they wanted to me. He asked me where I was going.. and I told him I was going out for birthday drinks. He asked me who's birthday it was... mine dad. its my birthday.

Those are some of the many reasons I had these sad, daily thoughts. It's not easy to live with negativity day in and day out and no be affected by it.

I knew that I didn't want to live anymore, I just had to wait for the 'right time'

When I was in my 20s.. I was with my long term partner of nearly 5 years. We split.. and it was possibly the worst time of my entire life. I had built my life around this person.. and he really did save my life. We spoke about having a baby.. and having the perfect life together. One day.. I found out he was cheating on me.. and messaging other girls.. including ex girlfriends. My world shattered into a million pieces. We split and I found it so hard to accept that this person,, who I had made my entire world, had given up on me.. but had not had the guts to tell me. I was completely broken and fell into the worst depression I have ever experienced. I would cry every single minute of the day. If I stopped crying.. I made sure I cried again.. to make myself feel the pain. I would call my mum at work.. and beg her to come home.. just so she could sit with me. My friends would try and take turns to sit with me. My sister would stop bringing her fiance over.. because she knew it was killing me.. i'll never forget that. I told my mum I wanted to die. For my mum to hear that,.. must have been so painful :( I remember being so angry with the world every time I woke up... because I was still here.. having to face yet another day of hell. I refused to eat.. refused to leave the house.. refused to show any emotion. I wanted to punish myself. It's not easy talking about it.. but I am so much stronger now. I gave him everything, all of me. I made him my EVERYTHING. I learnt a very valuable lesson going through that part of my life. You should never make somebody.. or something your everything. Because when they're gone? you're left with nothing. You should ALWAYS reserve some self love. You should ALWAYS save something for yourself.. keep your guard up.. and keep that bit of yourself to yourself!

So there we have it. I could write more.. and go into more detail.. but I think I've highlighted what needs to be said.

We all go through some sort of depression, whether we accept that or not. We all go through parts of our life where we think.. is it all worth it? The answer is yes. We are SO lucky to be given the gift of life.. and we often take it for granted. There are children in this world who are fighting for their lives.. adults who are begging for just a few more days with the people they love because of terminal illnesses or whatever it may be, that is taking them away prematurely. I know that we all deal with things differently.. but it's certainly something to consider, right?

I am SO glad that I had the people in my life that I did. People who refused to let me give up. I was surrounded by people who cared so much, enough to not let me spend a single moment alone.. perhaps out of fear? who knows. I am just forever thankful for their love and support.

Sadly, I know I was very close to breaking point, and that I may not have been sat here today if it wasn't for certain people. So I just wanted to show you.. that you can be at the absolute lowest point in your life.. and you will find the strength within you to carry on. At the time, it seems like NOTHING can save you, but that's because you've focused on those thoughts so long that it becomes a way of thinking. We are capable of so much more than we realise.. we are resilient, strong, warriors.. and we CAN get through anything if we set our minds to it. I was so low all I saw around me was pitch black. I cant remember the days very well.. It was a blur.

The most important thing we must remember.. is that there is ALWAYS a reason to carry on. You may not see the reason so clearly when you're in that state.. but I can promise you,, to somebody else.. you DO matter. Learn to love yourself.. MAKE yourself a priority, always. Mental health is still very overlooked.. but each and every one of us has the power to change our future for the better :)

I hope this helps.. even if it's only a small amount!

Rosie xxx

Tuesday, 17 April 2018

My first panic attack

"what is happening to me? why can't I control what my body is doing?"

Those are the words that entered my mind when I had my first panic attack. I think I was around 10 or 11 when it happened. I remember it was a typical weekend, and my parents would be due home any moment. My sister and I would always be on guard when we knew it was time for them to return. My dad would usually start arguments and fights with my mum when they came home and my sister and I would always have a plan of action. We would both sit at the end of our beds.. and have the bedroom door ajar so we could ran downstairs and rescue mum if she needed it. We knew where every creek in the floor boards was.. and we knew exactly what noises and particular words to run downstairs to.

I remember that night, we had heard enough that we both shot up and ran as fast as we could downstairs, never ready for what would await us. My dad had already started on my mum whilst they were out, and he was continuing when they arrived home. I remember standing in the doorway. We chose our parent, and stood by them, one each.. creating a human shield if they would get up and attack. That day I remember standing in the doorway whilst my sister sat by my mum. My body started to shake uncontrollably.. I couldn't stop it. I was aware that I would shake most of the time when this happened, but this was different. My teeth started chattering.. and I wondered if it was cold? It wasn't. I felt light headed and dizzy and I was so scared. I remembered trying to talk to my parents to try and separate them and end the arguing.. but the words were more difficult to get out. I felt like I was fading in and out of reality.. my legs were jelly and my head was spinning. My dad started a fight that night, and my sister and I managed to separate them and get my mum to safety in our bedroom.

I was a member of a chat room online around this time, and I met some great friends. I remember talking to my friend in America and I told her I was terrified. I told her that my body was out of control and I didn't know what to do. My friend, Sammy, told me: "Aww, you're having a panic attack". I had no idea what that meant. I didn't know if that was something I was supposed to worry about even more. My friend asked me to stay calm and to breathe in and out slowly. Sammy stayed online with me until everything was ok.. and that things had calmed down.

The panic attacks continued from then onwards, and I still suffer from them now. I learned how to control them when I was younger, although in the horrible situations at home it wasn't easy. I'm in a better place now, and though they sometimes creep up on me.. I'm ready for them!

If you are experiencing panic attacks.. you are not alone. You're not weak, weird, strange or unusual! You're human! You'll get through each and every one.. if you remember to breathe and to try and gain control of your own body and mind. It takes a while to learn how to control them, but be sure that you'll succeed.

Strength is found in our weakest moments.

Rosie xxx

Saturday, 24 March 2018

Feeling lonely in a crowded room

Hi guys!

I'm sure, at some point in our lives, we've all felt a little lonely.

Being lonely doesn't necessarily mean you are alone. (Mad isn't it?). You could be standing in a room full of people and still feel like the loneliest person in the world. I have dealt with this feeling for as long as I can remember. It comes creeping up on me when I least expect it, and it's not easy to shake off.

Sometimes we feel like the world is closing in on us, and that everything around us is non existent.. and other times we are the ones who are non existent.. as the world continues to turn. I would feel lonely almost every day as a child. I always felt as though I was truly alone in this world! Don't misunderstand me, I had friends and I had people who DID care about me, but sometimes It's just not enough. It's hard to explain to people who have never felt this way, or not on a regular basis like others do. To walk into a room and either feel like all eyes are on you.. or you feel invisible, as if nobody has noticed. 

I often sat in class, and felt so lonely I could cry. I could even be out with a group of friends having a great time.. and then it hits you like a storm that's been brewing. It drains your energy and life from your soul, and takes you into deep thoughts and make you feel like you are outside your own body. It hits without a warning, making you feel like you are completely alone. 

There are times in life when I wondered if I would ever feel like a somebody. I often wondered if I would ever feel like I would never be alone ever again. The truth is? it has never really left me. I am able to control my feelings a lot more than I ever have, but loneliness does come back to visit sometimes. I could wake up in the morning, and sadness takes over. I begin to feel a wave of sadness and a familiar feeling of anxiety will hit me. I think people seem to think that if you seem happy in your life, then you have no reason to feel negative emotions. Alas, we are human after all! 

I seem to have found some things that help me cope better with my situations, and sudden bursts of loneliness or sadness! I know I've mentioned it before in recent posts, but my biggest help.. is music. Music saved my life when I was a child, and it still has the same emotional affect on me now. I am somebody who listens attentively to every single lyric of a song, and the lyrics I can relate to speak directly to my heart. 

I know I always say it, but I'll say it over and over if it means I'm helping somebody through this little thing we call life! We are all stronger than we think. I've been dealt some of the worst cards in life, I'm not the only one, and I'm most certainly not the last! I am also not the one who has had to deal with the worst, but we all handle certain situations differently. Although controlling my thoughts and feelings is a lot easier than it was when I was younger, its most definitely still there. 

I think its important to find something that allows us to relax and deal with our feelings and emotions.. and try not to let it control our lives. (I know.. I know.. easier said than done that's for sure!). It's important to have somewhere we can go to collect our thoughts, and to feel the ground beneath our feet.. it's easier not to fall when you know the ground is not so far away. 

Loneliness is a killer. That's a fact. When I feel alone, I feel like nobody cares, that my life is shit, that I have absolutely no purpose.. that I'm failing at everything. The truth is, when I snap out of it.. I'm NOT alone, people DO care, my life ISNT shit, and I most certainly DO have a purpose. So I think we can all learn a lesson here. Don't let your thoughts take over for so long that we lose sight of what we really feel. Our brains are very good at putting us into a state of mind that makes us FEEL like we are alone. 

We all need a hand to hold sometimes, a warm hug, a phone call.. just to remind us that people really do care! That's a given. I am one of those people that need to be reminded that people will stick around. I'm needy and I'm clingy.. and I would do anything for anybody. Sadly though, that's not always the best thing to do! I am somebody who wants to know that I'm not going to be left behind. I know its not easy, its not easy being me neither! ;) 

We are not human if we don't feel the negatives just as much as we feel the positives. What matters the most is how we deal with it, and how we learn from the mistakes and the scenarios thrown at us. In life we all go through stages where giving up seems like the best option. I've been in a very dark, lonely place growing up.. and I know how hard it is. But, I am sat here now typing this, from my heart, helping others who are feeling the same. How cool is that? 

So don't give up. Don't let your inner demons dictate what you do and how you feel. You are in control of your life. You are not alone. Life is a bitch sometimes! But you can't let it push you over without standing your ground. Stand tall, take a deep breath, straighten your crowns and walk the life you've been chosen to walk with your head held high. Life isn't always rainbows and unicorns, but its worth fighting for. You never know what you can achieve! Reach out to people and trust that one day, your words will be heard. You are powerful, you are loved, you are strong.

I hope this helps ;)

Rosie xxx


Hi guys,

I wanted to write a post on Ireland! One of my favourite places in the world.

I had never been to Ireland before I met my boyfriend, Alastair. My first trip there was amazing! It was exactly as I had always imagined. GREEN! The beautiful countryside, amazing coast lines, and picturesque landscapes! I fell in love! 🍀

There really is something about Ireland, as a whole, that has completely and utterly captivated my heart! 💗 I feel right at home, and fully relaxed and content. In my opinion, the Irish are very friendly, warm and welcoming people! The food is just as amazing, especially if you find a secret tucked away pub in the Wicklow Mountains that serve the most delicious Irish stew! 

So far I've only been to Dublin and Belfast and the out skirts of both. I stayed in the Wicklow mountains, where I saw the most fantastic waterfalls, mountains, and lakes! The silence on top of the mountains, and the fresh air.. along with the most striking views.. it's hard not to fall in love! 

If you ever get the chance to visit Ireland, I strongly recommend it! My boyfriend has irish roots so it's nice to be able to travel there regularly! My cousin also lives in Newtownards, which is a lovely area in the country! 

I'm heading out to Dublin in a few weeks! I seriously cannot get enough of it! I'm hoping to cover more of Ireland in the future! I would love to visit Galway, Wexford, Killarney, and many more! :)

I should really start writing down the exact places I've been to and the sights! Watch this space ;)

Do you guys have any ideas or any suggestions for my next Ireland trip??


Rosie xxx

My thoughts about having children

Hi guys!

I wanted to write a post about having children. Now, I know this post may seem strange to some people.. but I'm writing my exact thoughts.

When I was younger, I thought I had my whole life planned out. Marriage, babies, house etc.. How wrong was I?! I was adamant I would be married by the age of 21, my first baby at the age of 18, a house at 25! I am now 28 years old and have not yet achieved any of those things! But that's ok, honestly.. It's not the end of the world.

I've always considered myself somebody who has a way with children (In a good way!). I have always felt like I have some sort of connection with them.. and I seem to attract them. I work in an airport, and many parents travel alone. When they need help they'll ask me to hold the baby which of course I gladly accept!

But, with all of this being said.. I'm not entirely sure I want children of my own. In fact, for now, I am sure I don't want children of my own. I know I'm not the only woman in the world to have said those words, but sometimes other peoples reactions tell me otherwise! If there are any women reading this, who don't want children, just know that It's YOUR choice, and it's ok that you've made that choice. I always get people asking the same questions. "when are YOU having a baby then?", "your turn next!", "you will be a great mum one day!". When I tell people I don't actually want them.. I get the same responses! To be frank, they get on my nerves. "Oh you'll change your mind!", "Don't say that, of course you do!", "You DO want children!". The truth is, we all want different things in life. Some people have children, some don't. Some people get married, some don't. We are all given choices in life, and this choice is one of mine. Now I do have to say, that yes.. I wouldn't sit here and say NEVER. But my decision at this moment in time.. and for the next few years is a no.

 In todays world, there is so much pressure to do what everyone else is doing, to fit in. There are lots of girls I went to school with who have children, and that's brilliant! But that doesn't mean we all have to follow suit.

I would like to say something that I feel, from my heart.. and something I truly believe. I believe that if I ever became a mum, I would succeed. Having a hard life means I know what I could do differently if I was ever given the chance. I know what kind of life I would want for my children, and sadly that is what scares me.

Being a parent is by far the hardest job in the world! (I'm sure the parents are all nodding away!). It takes a lot of courage to bring another human being into the world, and to give all of your undivided attention 24/7. I think that's what I'm scared of. I have so many expectations of what I would have to be as a parent. When I was younger, I had dreams of being the best mum in the world. I would love my child unconditionally, and give them everything I always wanted... and needed. I always knew I would change the cycle that occurred in my family.. I would be the one who gave my child what nobody in our family ever had. That is why I don't have children. I feel like I'm not able to give those things! I know its negative, but I don't know what I would do if I ever failed them. I realise this is what every parent goes through.. but with me its the reason I don't have them. I don't have a lot of self confidence, something I have written a post about. Self-confidence stops me from seeing what is probably great potential.

I know that one day, I want to foster children. I want to help children who are less fortunate than those born into a family full of love. When I was younger I actually wanted to go into foster care. I used to hang around with a friend who was in foster care, and her foster parents were the nicest people I've ever met! (I am still in contact with them, and they are my inspiration). I was always there, helping with the babies and the other children.. I loved it! Another question I am always asked.. is "what does your boyfriend think of this?!", "is your boyfriend ok with this?!", "does he not want children?". My boyfriend is everything to me, and his decision is so important. How lucky am I to have a boyfriend who stands by my decision.. and also thinks in the same way as me. The answer to those questions, is that he is open to anything. My boyfriend is ok with the decision to foster, although its something he would like to think more about, and pursue further down the line.

I love my life. To say that, brings a massive lump in my throat, because it's all I've ever wanted. I may not have children, I'm not married, I'm still renting. But I am happy. I have an amazing boyfriend, amazing friends, amazing family (A small number of family) and I'm happy with where I am. I may not have the job that I enjoy, but I'm earning money and saving towards the future I've always wanted for myself. I want to travel, I want to live. I know that I don't have space in my life right now for children.. I want to make sure that I achieve everything I want in life before I think about becoming a Mum.

I wish that people would understand the thoughts I have, and so many others who think like me. I'm content with my decision, and I wish others wouldn't be so pushy.. and talk to me like they know me at all. I know its hard to understand that I want to foster but not have children of my own? But to be honest? I'm the one who made this decision, not them. I know I'm doing what I feel is right in my heart, and that's all that matters.

Don't be afraid to be YOU. Don't be afraid to want the things you want, to make the choices you make. We don't have rules to follow in this life, nor do we have guidelines or deadlines to meet. We are all unique and special in our own ways. Life isn't about doing what everybody else is doing just for the sake of it, it's about living the life you have chosen to live. So if your decision is not to become a parent? embrace it. It's completely ok to not have those things! Don't ever feel under pressure to become something you're not ready for. If I ever have children one day.. I am so ready for the "I told you so" comments. We don't have to feel like we've made the wrong decision. So hold your head high with your decision, and if you change your mind.. that's ok too :)

What are your thoughts?

Rosie xx