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Sunday 16 February 2020

2019 - One of the worst years of my life.

Hey guys,

So I wanted to talk about 2019. It was one hell of a roller coaster, and i'm not sure how I got through it.. but I did. 

So it started in November 2018, when I was given an injection to trial for my endometriosis. Its the depo injection (Depo-Provera), which is a hormone based contraception, and was offered to me to stop my heavy, painful, and irregular periods. It was also offered to try and relieve some of the pains I suffer from with the Endometriosis. The injection is designed to send hormones into the blood stream, and prevents ovulation. Its useful for women with painful periods, and women who tend to forget to take pills... so.. perfect for me! (not).

Speaking to the doctor about the injection, I was told it was the best solution for me.For those of you that don't know, Endometriosis doesn't have a cure. It's an extremely painful chronic illness that isn't easy to live with. I was told after my laparoscopy, that the injection will prove effective and essentially ease my pain, so I could start living a life that's pain free, with a 3 monthly injection. After discussing the pros and cons, I decided to go ahead with it.. and that's where it all went downhill for me.. really downhill. 
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I had my first injection in November 2018, and my next one wouldn't be due until February. Within a week of taking the injection.. I started to bleed. My body has always been like this with contraception, So I wasn't too worried as the doctor assured me my periods would stop altogether! I might just have a period first. A week past.. two weeks... three weeks.. and I was still bleeding. I started to get really painful boobs, to the point I couldn't even touch them.. or walk down the stairs without holding onto them. Four weeks past.. five weeks.. six weeks. I started to get angry. I knew that I would bleed, or experience some kind of spotting.. but this was a full on period, the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I was getting lots of large painful spots on my face and back.. and severe cramps. Seven weeks past.. 8 weeks... my body showed no signs of slowing down. I arranged a doctors appointment, and I was told it was normal, I was also told that when I have my next injection in Feb, I should stop bleeding altogether. Brilliant I thought, let's do this!

Feb came, and I had my next injection. 4 months past..5 months. I wasn't sure how much more I could take. My periods were SO heavy that I was having to go to the toilet every half an hour. I had recently joined a gym.. but there was no way I was able to go. I had to discuss with my managers at work about what I was going through, and had to be given lighter duties. Not that it ever happened. It was around the 5 week mark that I started experiencing bad depression and anxiety. I hated what my body was doing, I hated that I wasn't able to be myself. I felt so lonely and isolated. I felt so ugly and so dirty.. That I was constantly bleeding heavily, sometimes I was scared to move too much.. if I did I ended up getting it everywhere. It was around the 5 month mark that I decided to see another doctor. I called my doctor and explained the situation.. but they couldn't fit me in for an appointment. I called 111, and they advised me that I should see a doctor that very day, and they would be able to prescribe some kind of pill that would stop the bleeding and wouldn't affect my injection. I was at work at the time, but I left early and headed to the doctors! When I got to the doctors, he told me there was nothing he could do. He told me that the pill would be a contraceptive pill.. and wouldn't stop the bleeding. He would have offered another pill, which was Norethisterone. This pill is designed to stop your periods for a short amount of time, 7 days or so. This is usually something women take when they go on holiday, something I was familiar with. I asked the doctor if I could take it, and to my surprise he declined. He told me that the bleeding may stop for about 6 days, but would return and will return much heavier. He told me that the Depo Provera takes 12 MONTHS to get into your system properly. I was so disappointed, and so upset. I told him how low I had felt and I begged him for help.. but once again I was turned away. I left the doctors feeling even more depressed than I felt before I went in, I felt helpless and so low. 

April came around, 6 months bleeding heavily. Extremely painful boobs, headaches, depression, spots, mood swings. I was a completely different person. I was so so depressed. I didn't want to be hugged, I didn't want to be touched. I didn't even want my own fiance laying beside me in bed. I just wanted it to stop. It wasn't showing any signs of stopping.. or slowing down, and I really did want to die. I remember driving to work and calling my mum. I was sobbing in the car, and that's when I opened up and told my mum that I wanted to kill myself. The pain, the tiredness, the depression.. everything was just too much. I know that my Endometriosis is forever, and if this was my only option, and that had failed? I didn't see much point in carrying on with a painful life anymore. I wasn't able to do anything! I wasn't able to have fun, or join in anything.. I was completely useless. I stopped seeing my friends, I cut them out completely. I stopped kissing my fiance, and stopped with the wedding plans. I was trying to be hopeful at the beginning.. and kept telling myself.. 'don't worry Rosie, tomorrow, it will stop'. But the positive attitude wears off after a while.. when you learn that it makes no difference what so ever. So instead I said to myself. Do I really want to live a life like this? Always putting things on hold.. because my body is so SHIT

I then began to tell my fiance daily, and my friends that I didn't want to live anymore. I had quite frankly had enough. I thought about how I would do it, and I made sure people close to me knew why I had made the decision. I'm so thankful I have these people in my life, because they refused to let me give up. I was so close.. I've never been that close. I just don't know how I did it. Month 5, 6 and 7 were a bit of a blur to me. I was floating through life, barely smiling, barely making the most of anything. My poor fiance stood by me through everything, it was so hard on both of us. 

I had some "friends" who got angry with me not being in contact, and eventually they walked away selfishly thinking of themselves. I was angry and upset with myself to begin with, for not wanting to see my friends.. but in the end I didn't want anybody around me. I just wanted to be alone. I felt so alone. 

I started to tell my fiance that I wasn't sure I wanted to get married anymore, and I wasn't sure I even wanted to be with him anymore. I told him I wasn't even sure if I felt love for him or anything else for that matter. I cried to him several times at night and asked why I didn't feel anything but sadness and the feeling of wanting to end everything. That's when I started reading blogs about my injection.. and posts from other women who had taken the injection. What I found was.. interesting. So many women were struggling. So many women were depressed, anxious, scared, and wanted to end their lives. Some womens' marriages and relationships had ended because of how it made them feel. I knew then, after reading several hundred comments, that I wasn't alone. I saw posts saying the Depo injection ruined their life, ruined their marriage, ruined everything. I was feeling suicidal, and these women who I had never met before, connected with me on  level I couldn't explain. I knew that I wanted to stop the injection, but I can't say I felt any better.. the posts were saying that it took them a good 12 months to go back to normal. 

7 Months came.. and I finally went back to another doctor. I begged him to help me.. I was STILL bleeding HEAVILY and I felt so drained and so exhausted. The doctor I saw... fell asleep TWICE whilst talking to me. I felt like I could have just walked out of there and ended it that day. My only hope was falling asleep at the desk. He decided to give me Norethisterone, the pill the doctor before refused because it was pointless. This doctor told me that the pill will stop the bleeding and to trust him. I told him that I had taken the tablet before.. and didn't want to stop bleeding and then start bleeding even heavier, not that it was possible. He told me to trust him. So I did. I walked out of the doctors feeling so upset. I called my mum and told her what happened and cried my heart out. I remembered asking my mum why this stupid illness had chosen me, and why I had to suffer everyday, it wasn't fair. 

I spent 6 months of 2019 bleeding and feeling so down that I was going to take my own life. It was so hard to change my ways of thinking.. But I hold the stupid hormone based injection accountable. I am so sorry to people it affected. What i'm not sorry for? Is the people who I upset by being distant.. and they walked away. I'm not sorry that I didn't respond the way you wanted me to. I'm angry that my "friends" never reached out to make sure I was OK...When I really was not OK. I learned valuable lessons after being so vulnerable, that not everybody I considered a friend, was a friend afterall. I've said goodbye to those who are only there to point the finger when I'm down. All the signs were there for my friends AND family to reach out to me.. but not all of them did.

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Image may contain: possible text that says 'The prettiest smile hide the deepest secrets. The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears. And the kindest hearts have felt the most pain.'

8 months later, after taking the pill. I stopped bleeding. for around 5 days. My bleeding came back.. and lasted for around 6 weeks. After that, the bleeding stopped. Finally, the day came, I stopped bleeding. I don't remember how long before I started to feel myself.. but a lot of things happened that year that added on top of that, that made it more difficult. 

My beautiful kitten CJ was hit by a car in January 2019, this only added to my sadness. He was my baby and he was there when I was going through all the problems I had with my laparoscopy and infections. I also lost my grandad, who was a big part of my life growing up. My Nan and my fiances Nan went into hospital. My next door neighbour set fire to her house and I ended up dragging her lifeless body out, after risking my life to go in and save her. It was all adding to the pros list I had created for ending my life. 
Image may contain: 1 person, possible text that says 'In Loving Memory of Ivor Hagger 18th January 1940 30th June 201 2019'

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SUICIDE IS NOT OK
NEGLECTING THE ONES YOU LOVE WHEN THEY NEED YOU THE MOST IS NOT OK
IGNORING SUICIDE SIGNS IS NOT OK
GIVING UP ON PEOPLE WHO ARE DEPRESSED IS NOT OK

I guess in all honesty, I'm lucky I am as strong as I am. Giving up completely takes GUTS.  I'm still not sure to this day how I managed.. but I know I wasn't alone and that my closest people built a wall of love around me and helped me to carry on. So thank you to everybody who held my hand and guided me to a lighter and brighter path. I'm so thankful.

I still don't have a solution, but i'm no longer struggling with severe depression and wondering why i'm still here. I hope this helps others struggling with the same problems.

Thanks for reading :)

Rosie xxx