I wanted to die

Hi guys!

I've been thinking about writing this blog post for a long time.. and when I say a long time.. I mean YEARS!

I've decided to go ahead with it.. why? Because I know that, with my experiences.. I CAN help somebody. Whether that somebody is going through the same thoughts, or if you know somebody and you want to reach out to them but you're not sure how.

It's raw, it's real.. it's part of what made me who I am today. So here goes nothing I suppose?

I remember when I was younger.. I often thought about ending my life. I would be sat wondering about all the different ways I could do it. I was scared.. So every time I thought of a plan.. I was too scared to carry it out. The thoughts began from a very young age.. I don't remember the exact age.. but I know I wouldn't have been much older than 10 years old.

Things at home, and at school were difficult.. and it got the better of me most days. I remember being sat in my bedroom when I was alone and lighting several candles. I set out the candles in a circle and I sat inside them. I remember crying so hard.. and begging whoever was up there.. whatever being, or supernatural person was watching down on me.. to remove me from this world and let me die. I begged them to take all my pain away.. and to let me be free of the prison that was my life.. but no such "luck".

I know that the thoughts carried on for several years.. well past my teens.. and eventually in my mid 20's, I was back in the same position.

I'm not ashamed. I'm not about to shy away from the decisions I made.. and the thoughts that entered my mind. I believe that talking about them.. and keeping them on the surface.. and accepting that it happened, and it taught me lessons, is SO important.

I remember, at school.. I got into the habit of carving my skin with sharp needles.. or anything sharp. Sadly, it seemed I had started a trend.. and everybody was doing it! At the same time, it felt good,, not to be doing it alone. (How silly of me! It is NOT the answer) I also remember starving myself.. and purposely punishing myself for still being here. I know I developed an eating disorder.. but I never admitted it. I know I can admit it now! My mum would make comments about me never eating and I was always so defensive.

I was always told that I wasn't wanted... or my "dad" would tell me that he wishes I was never born. He would call me names almost daily, pick on me for every little thing. He would belittle me, humiliate me, and bully me. My "dad" would never remember my birthday, my age, my job.. nothing. I remember one day it was my birthday... and I was going out for drinks with my best friend. I came downstairs in a dress and my "dad" instantly told me how I was leaving myself open for guys to do whatever they wanted to me. He asked me where I was going.. and I told him I was going out for birthday drinks. He asked me who's birthday it was... mine dad. its my birthday.

Those are some of the many reasons I had these sad, daily thoughts. It's not easy to live with negativity day in and day out and no be affected by it.

I knew that I didn't want to live anymore, I just had to wait for the 'right time'

When I was in my 20s.. I was with my long term partner of nearly 5 years. We split.. and it was possibly the worst time of my entire life. I had built my life around this person.. and he really did save my life. We spoke about having a baby.. and having the perfect life together. One day.. I found out he was cheating on me.. and messaging other girls.. including ex girlfriends. My world shattered into a million pieces. We split and I found it so hard to accept that this person,, who I had made my entire world, had given up on me.. but had not had the guts to tell me. I was completely broken and fell into the worst depression I have ever experienced. I would cry every single minute of the day. If I stopped crying.. I made sure I cried again.. to make myself feel the pain. I would call my mum at work.. and beg her to come home.. just so she could sit with me. My friends would try and take turns to sit with me. My sister would stop bringing her fiance over.. because she knew it was killing me.. i'll never forget that. I told my mum I wanted to die. For my mum to hear that,.. must have been so painful :( I remember being so angry with the world every time I woke up... because I was still here.. having to face yet another day of hell. I refused to eat.. refused to leave the house.. refused to show any emotion. I wanted to punish myself. It's not easy talking about it.. but I am so much stronger now. I gave him everything, all of me. I made him my EVERYTHING. I learnt a very valuable lesson going through that part of my life. You should never make somebody.. or something your everything. Because when they're gone? you're left with nothing. You should ALWAYS reserve some self love. You should ALWAYS save something for yourself.. keep your guard up.. and keep that bit of yourself to yourself!

So there we have it. I could write more.. and go into more detail.. but I think I've highlighted what needs to be said.

We all go through some sort of depression, whether we accept that or not. We all go through parts of our life where we think.. is it all worth it? The answer is yes. We are SO lucky to be given the gift of life.. and we often take it for granted. There are children in this world who are fighting for their lives.. adults who are begging for just a few more days with the people they love because of terminal illnesses or whatever it may be, that is taking them away prematurely. I know that we all deal with things differently.. but it's certainly something to consider, right?

I am SO glad that I had the people in my life that I did. People who refused to let me give up. I was surrounded by people who cared so much, enough to not let me spend a single moment alone.. perhaps out of fear? who knows. I am just forever thankful for their love and support.

Sadly, I know I was very close to breaking point, and that I may not have been sat here today if it wasn't for certain people. So I just wanted to show you.. that you can be at the absolute lowest point in your life.. and you will find the strength within you to carry on. At the time, it seems like NOTHING can save you, but that's because you've focused on those thoughts so long that it becomes a way of thinking. We are capable of so much more than we realise.. we are resilient, strong, warriors.. and we CAN get through anything if we set our minds to it. I was so low all I saw around me was pitch black. I cant remember the days very well.. It was a blur.

The most important thing we must remember.. is that there is ALWAYS a reason to carry on. You may not see the reason so clearly when you're in that state.. but I can promise you,, to somebody else.. you DO matter. Learn to love yourself.. MAKE yourself a priority, always. Mental health is still very overlooked.. but each and every one of us has the power to change our future for the better :)

I hope this helps.. even if it's only a small amount!

Rosie xxx