Pages

Tuesday 17 April 2018

My first panic attack

"what is happening to me? why can't I control what my body is doing?....help"

Those are the words that entered my mind when I had my first panic attack. I think I was around 10 or 11 when it happened. I remember it was a typical weekend, and my parents would be due home any moment. My sister and I would always be on guard when we knew it was time for them to return. My dad would usually start arguments and fights with my mum when they came home and my sister and I would always have a plan of action. We would both sit at the end of our beds.. and have the bedroom door ajar so we could ran downstairs and rescue mum if she needed it. We knew where every creek in the floor boards was.. and we knew exactly what noises and particular words to run downstairs to.

I remember that night, we had heard enough that we both shot up and ran as fast as we could downstairs, never ready for what would await us. My dad had already started on my mum whilst they were out, and he was continuing when they arrived home. I remember standing in the doorway. We chose our parent, and stood by them, one each.. creating a human shield if they would get up and attack. That day I remember standing in the doorway whilst my sister sat by my mum. My body started to shake uncontrollably.. I couldn't stop it. I was aware that I would shake most of the time when this happened, but this was different. My teeth started chattering.. and I wondered if it was cold? It wasn't. I felt light headed and dizzy and I was so scared. I remembered trying to talk to my parents to try and separate them and end the arguing.. but the words were more difficult to get out. I felt like I was fading in and out of reality.. my legs were jelly and my head was spinning. My dad started a fight that night, and my sister and I managed to separate them and get my mum to safety in our bedroom.

I was a member of a chat room online around this time, and I met some great friends. I remember talking to my friend in America and I told her I was terrified. I told her that my body was out of control and I didn't know what to do. My friend, Sammy, told me: "Aww, you're having a panic attack". I had no idea what that meant. I didn't know if that was something I was supposed to worry about even more. My friend asked me to stay calm and to breathe in and out slowly. Sammy stayed online with me until everything was ok.. and that things had calmed down.

The panic attacks continued from then onwards, and I still suffer from them now. I learned how to control them when I was younger, although in the horrible situations at home it wasn't easy. I'm in a better place now, and though they sometimes creep up on me.. I'm ready for them!

If you are experiencing panic attacks.. you are not alone. You're not weak, weird, strange or unusual! You're human! You'll get through each and every one.. if you remember to breathe and to try and gain control of your own body and mind. It takes a while to learn how to control them, but be sure that you'll succeed.

Strength is found in our weakest moments.

Rosie xxx

No comments:

Post a Comment